Am I a Fraud?
I read this article in the New Yorker a few days ago entitled “Why Everyone Feels Like They’re Faking It” (paywall, and yes I am 2 years behind on New Yorkers, don’t judge me). The academic deep dive into the Imposter Phenomenon - especially the different ways imposter-ism is experienced across people of color - struck a chord with how I’ve been feeling now, as I watch the reactions pile up to my launch LinkedIn post from last week. Here I am, sitting in my messy home office, playing at being an independent consultant. People are impressed by my website - a template from Squarespace - or the official-ness of my email address, and I feel like a joke trying to compete in the big leagues.
Imposter Phenomenon - the idea that we’re somehow fooling everyone around us into thinking we’re good when clearly we’re failures - is endemic among women. We’re told that we’re not good enough, we don’t see models for what leadership looks like, we’re afraid to take a step forward unless we meet 100% of the qualifications (also a paywall, sorry). It’s the voice in my head telling me that I should retreat, take a step back, don’t threaten my role in the group, don’t expose myself.
And yet, I think the imposter phenomenon has become ingrained in the female experience in a way that tilts too far. I have to feel like an imposter to demonstrate humility. Bragging about my successes or being proud of accomplishments is unappealing. Women are expected to be meek; the arrogance many men can get away with looks “bossy” or “conceited” for women.
My whole life has felt like walking this tightrope. I remember being the jerk in high school who looked down on the people I felt smarter than (sorry to those of you reading this who went to high school with me), and I remember jobs where I knew that I was right - even when I wasn’t. And I’ve felt the crushing anxiety of “I don’t belong here, I’m not good enough, they’re going to find me out.” It feels like there’s a confidence see-saw and I can never get it straight.
The worst part of the see-saw is the way we rely on external validation to balance it. We wait for our boss, our spouse, our friends too tell us we’re doing a good job. But external validation is like a fog: it covers and masks everything for a little while, then clears away with the slightest breeze.
I find what helps me the most is reimagining the see-saw. There is no “good enough” because life is not a scale but a tapestry of differences. I’m trying something new here with Elevate Labs - maybe it will work, maybe it won’t. It isn’t a question of if I’m good enough but rather what is the point where the money I can bring in can’t keep up with the mortgage payments. There isn’t a final destination. What matters is action - what am I actually doing to make my dreams a reality. The rest is out of my control.
In the meantime, I continue to plug away at writing, exploring, talking to people - and reminding myself that the messiness is ok. I’m holding onto what a friend said this morning: “You are better than what your head is telling you.”
To you all, I say: you’re better than what your head is telling you.