What’s Next?

Today is an interesting day for those of us living in DC: we are the center of the spectacle, affecting us in every way from blocked traffic to changed carpool routes for parents now required to be in the office every day. I’m taking the opportunity to reflect on the last few months, and gear up for the next four years.

In the wake of the election, I heard a lot of people expressing a binary option: you’re with us, or you’re against us. And if you are not 100% with us, you are against us.

There is merit to this argument: there is no nuance, no moderating belief that’s halfway between democracy and fascism, between Nazism and equity. And this moment in time is heartbreakingly terrifying for many of my neighbors, friends, and family.

And yet. I’m thinking a lot about the long arc of the moral universe. What can I do, right now, to help the bend towards justice? I know it’s not isolating myself, only speaking with those who agree with me, insulting and belittling the other side.

I’d propose that rather than the binary option, we can instead have a quadrant:

I can maintain my moral compass by landing far on the right in the Advocacy side. But there I have a choice: empathy for those who I completely disagree with, or conflict - name calling, humiliation, celebrating their failures. Advocacy with empathy looks like finding places to engage with those who disagree (not an easy task in the US’s 7th most liberal zip code), listening to others, sharing personal stories and finding opportunities for connection.

Advocacy with empathy is hard: it’s unfair, it’s constant work, it requires choosing curiosity over being right. As a friend shared recently, “I remember in the early 2000s having to prove over and over again that I had a right to exist; I guess I can do it again.” It requires engaging in difficult conversations - hard for the conflict adverse among us. And it requires holding up a mirror to your own uncomfortable truths, and the moments you choose complacency over advocacy.

Advocacy with empathy is also required at work. In many of my roles, I sat in the Center of Excellence - the “expert” on my topic in the organization. Being an expert meant I did a lot of education, but also had to advocate for my perspectives. Going into conversations with all the reasons I was right and they were wrong got me a whole lot of nowhere. As I teach in my Influence class, you can’t change someone’s mind unless you know what’s in their mind to start with.

So how do you do this? Sadly, I don’t have a silver bullet solution for you - it takes attention and practice. One practice I strongly recommend is active listening. Seems simple but it’s hard! My favorite method is to say, “Tell me more about that.” It gives you a moment to absorb what they’re saying, and gives them space to share what’s on their mind. While they talk, notice where your mind goes - are you actually listening to what they’re saying, or are you thinking about what question to ask next, how you look, your grocery list? Calmly bring your mind back to the words you hear from your partner.

I’ll be honest, I don’t think active listening alone is going to solve the morass of humanity right now. And you should never put yourself in physical or psychological danger; you are under no obligation to actively listen to someone spewing hatred. But the more of us that wrap our arms around that long arc, the faster we’ll get to justice.