Hot Take: Don’t Go to Your Check-Ins With Solutions
There’s an argument weekly in our house:
12 year old: I don’t want to (go on a hike / go to that museum / do another family activity). Just drop me off at home.
Dad: Too bad, you have to do it.
12yo: But that doesn’t make sense! The logical action is for you to take me home!
Dad: It’s important to do things as a family.
12yo: But here are all the reasons why your approach doesn’t work…
Dad: Enough! Just stop complaining and do it!!
Perhaps this resonates with you - two people arguing over divergent solutions until both sides are so mad they can’t access their logic anymore. Or maybe you also have a 12 year old who moonlights as a trial attorney. I often coach them to step away from their solutions and instead focus on their needs. The 12 year old needs to feel confident that he’ll be able to get his homework done. Dad needs to have connection as a family. The “right” solution is rarely choosing one side over the other (much to my husband’s chagrin) but rather finding a different path that cares for the needs of both sides.
I’ve been thinking of this a lot recently, particularly as I’ve been coaching leaders on managing up. The go-to advice - “go to your manager with solutions, not problems” - doesn’t really fit in the ambiguous world we live in, and also isn’t how I like to manage.
As a manager, if you come to me with solutions, you’re wasting my time! If you know how to solve it, then go forth and solve it. Telling me that you’re going to solve it is the same as a status update: better in email (or Teams/Slack, or carrier pigeon). I want you to come to me with your problems: where are you stuck, what is at an impasse, what is niggling in the back of your brain that you can’t quite make sense of. Come to me with what you need, and we can figure out the solution together.
Ultimately, this comes down to decision making and empowerment. I love the August decision making approach: decisions should be made by a single decision owner who is closest to the work. If you know a solution to your problem, I have a newsflash: that person is you! You are the closest to the work and should be empowered to move the work forward.
Sadly, my hot take aside, we all live in the real world and have to exist in an imperfect society. So within the context of your current role / company / culture, what can you do?
For individuals: Think hard about what you need. Is it advice? A thought partner in navigating a difficult situation? Top cover or support navigating politics above your pay grade? Removing a barrier? Next step: ask for what you need. Don’t be afraid to be explicit and direct - your manager is busy and doesn’t want to waste time trying to guess how to support you.
Scared your manager won’t support you? Try asking directly for what you need. Here’s a sample script: “I’ve noticed that you’d like me to come to you for approval of potential solutions. Can we talk about the best way I can get you what you need so I’m not wasting your time?” Or, “Would it be ok if I send you these updates in an email? I’d love to use our time together to do x instead.” Or, “Can we clarify decision making between us? I want to make sure that I know the decisions I can make without your input vs what I should be escalating to you, to make sure that we’re using our time effectively.”
For managers: Be very clear about what is and what isn’t in your direct report’s scope of decisions. Things that are in their scope means THEY make the decision - not you. They might make a different decision than you would. That’s ok! It’s actually better having different perspectives on the same problems. When your direct goes in a totally different direction from you, one of two things will happen:
Things work out ok, in which case you learn something new about different approaches to problems.
Things don’t work out ok, in which case they learn how to do it better next time. (Note: This requires your ability to help them see that failure as learning, which means helping them debrief. Check out Amy Edmonson’s work on failing well.) You also get the satisfying experience of schadenfreude, but best to keep that to yourself.
Every manager I’ve ever met (including me) has said, “I’m not a micromanager.” And yet. But in this time of doing more with less, of ambiguity, of no clear right answers, of constant change… micromanaging will be our downfall. Take it from my husband: last weekend, we listened to the 12 year old’s need to do homework (“it’s going to take me 10 hours!!!!!!”), and after he finished the homework 20 minutes later we had a great family day playing board games. Sometimes you just gotta let it go.